I turn 30 on Friday. I can remember when my mom was in her 30’s. Weird.
I think about my 20’s and I’m shocked by the transformation, the change and growth. I’m really, really proud of myself and this life, yet I can simultaneously cringe with shame, regret and embarrassment of past transgressions and character. It’s really hard to compare who I was at 20 with who I am at 30…thank goodness.
I went from being a partying student-athlete at 20ish, to married, with Master’s Degree, owning a home in my mid 20’s, to a mother and business owner here at the end. Sounds pretty great, yeah? There were a ton of transitions, risks, failures, luck, heartbreak, confidence gained and depleted, and fortunately, a lot of happiness and victories sprinkled throughout. There was just a lot of effort; at every phase, regardless of what it was, I was continually working my ass off toward something. That’s probably the only consistent theme of my 20’s.
A few weeks back, I was kind of freaking out, not so much about the age itself- aging is a privilege- but the self and societal expectations that come with this age. Now, to most, it appears that general “expectations” are being met. But for me, it goes far beyond the superficial appearance and even the reality of family, business or social life.
It’s about who I am and who is by my side during this phase of life.
It’s about immense levels of change.
It’s about finding peace with what has been, what currently is and knowing I must keep an open mind and heart moving forward in all aspects of life, unlike my 20’s where I seriously thought I knew everything and had control. HA.
It’s scary and thrilling all at the same time. There’s a sense of pressure, like, I’m supposed to seriously adult now! Where I live, apparently it’s kind of normal to get Botox around age 30. I guess I should just start by at least owning some foundation. 😉
It’s taking ownership of the messy, beautiful story….all of it…the losses, and mistakes, faded passions and new ones, the triumphs and epic heartbreaks, excitement and devastation, and the overall development of confidence in who I am mentally, physically and emotionally at this moment in time.
It’s acknowledging those who showed up and stayed to love, support and forgive unconditionally. It’s also acknowledging those who have left and those who have happily entered.
It’s about finding peace.
There’s so much I need to let go of, so many more vulnerable places to explore. Mistakes and poor decisions happen at every age, but I want to both forgive and praise myself for the shit show that was my 20’s, because that process has guided me right to where I need to be. I feel like I’m just now beginning to figure out who I am; I have found my voice and more comfort in my own skin. I know what I love, what I can tolerate, what I believe in and who’s in it with me. I’m getting answers to questions that I’ve had for so long, answers that only could be answered with time. At this time in my life, all I need is love and support.
Growth is freakin’ beautiful. It brings you forward, never allowing you to forget where you came from and how it all happened.
30 looks exactly the way I hoped it would, better than I could have ever planned, even if it’s kinda anticlimactic. There’s still a sense of something missing, or something I was expecting to feel or have at this age. Does this ever really change though?
But really, it’s just another birthday. Another birthday in a truly blessed life.